Blessed Lands Egypt (J. Carrell Jones)

Blessed Lands Egypt
J. Carrell Jones
Mythical Legends
Fiction, Fantasy/Romance

DESCRIPTION: Vizier Ferruk, one of the most powerful and morally corrupt people in the Blessed Lands of the modern Egyptian Empire, thought he was above threats... until the Grand Oracle shares with him a vision sent from the gods Themselves. It is the figure of a younger man, fists glowing blue with divine magic - and he will, the Oracle informs him, soon kill Ferruk and assume his mantle of power. Even as he races to avert the prophecy, he may already be too late.
Once a decorated soldier in Pharaoh's glorious armies, fighting the infidel Mayans across the oceans, now Honute works as a humble priest of Thoth, dedicating his life to the helping of others and the glory of his god. He neither needs nor wants more... and his ambitious wife, Hypatia, tires of waiting for him to shake off his complacency and reach for loftier goals. Even as she declares her intentions to divorce him, Honute's fate becomes bound in far greater wheels. The renowned researcher Dr. Theophis has just discovered that the genetic capacity for magic can be activated in anyone, and she needs a suitable test subject. She needs someone without known aptitude, but with a willingness to believe in miracles... someone like a humble priest of Thoth.
A Kindle-exclusive title.

REVIEW: When I downloaded this title during a freebie window, I was under the impression that this was a romance, set in an alternate Earth where classical Egypt's reign extends into modern times.
To put it bluntly, I was mistaken.
For much of the book, the setting hardly matters; it reads almost exactly like modern Earth, with only a thin veneer of Egypt to suggest another reality. (This does change later, but by then my interest had waned.) Mostly, it's a smut-filled romp for cardboard-thin characters thinking with their crotches - all, that is, save the impossibly perfect, impossibly humble hero Honute. Not that he doesn't do his share of rutting, too, but he's so gosh-darn humble about his ability to bring his partners to unparalleled states of orgasmic ecstasy that he scarcely considers satisfying his own urges. How perfect is he? Early on, while seducing Honute's soon-to-be-ex-wife, the lesbian doctor Theophis implores Hypatia to give him another chance, because the hunk is such a stellar catch. (Here, the author turns to the audience and tells us, yes, this man is so sexy and wonderful even lesbians want some of that action.) Love is an afterthought, and seduction comes in a liquor bottle. Quite honestly, the sex scenes bored me, which seems to defeat the purpose of a sex scene.
What's left without them? Not much. People bicker, largely over who loves Honute more and who can or cannot have him. Hypatia goes from being a shrew to being vaguely redeemable to being an even greater shrew. Ferruk lurks and schemes and abuses his slaves, lacking only a Snidely Whiplash mustache to twirl. And Honute prays to Thoth, denies his own perfection (as a perfect man should), and - despite his most humble objections - finds himself adored by countless followers on the path to greatness. To top off this exercise in gonad worship, the story clearly had not seen even a cursory pass with a spelling or grammar checker; the many sound-alike mistakes led me to suspect voice-recognition software at work, which made it all the more essential that Jones proofread diligently. At the end, the author includes a picture gallery, for little reason other than to show off the fact that he downloaded Poser.
In summary, I'd hoped for an intriguing alternate universe with a little romance. I got a sticky, crumpled adult magazine that fell through the cracks between realities. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to wash my hands, my eyeballs, and my Kindle with industrial-strength bleach.

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