The Dragons of Ordinary Farm (Tad Williams and Deborah Beale)

The Dragons of Ordinary Farm
Tad Williams and Deborah Beale
Harper
Fiction, YA Fantasy
** (Bad)

DESCRIPTION: Lucinda and Tyler Jenkins just know they're in for a bad summer when their mother announces she's going on a singles cruise and sending them to stay with relatives. When a strange invitation arrives from Great-Uncle Gideon, a man they never knew existed, to visit his farm in California's Standard Valley, they know it's going to be even worse. Lucinda is used to things being bad and turning worse, ever since their parents divorced. Tyler just wants to hide behind his GameBoss blasting monsters so he doesn't have to deal with his life or his family.  Unfortunately, a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere isn't likely to have indoor plumbing, let alone cable TV or internet access. Two months feeding chickens and taking hayrides? Talk about bo-ring.
As soon as they arrive at Uncle Gideon's place, things start going weird. Soon, they discover that Ordinary Farm doesn't raise cows or chickens or horses: it raises more exotic creatures, like unicorns, griffins, and dragons. Even the farmhands and kitchen girls have very unusual origins to go with their peculiar accents. The more the kids poke around, the more dangers they discover. The secret behind the wonders of Ordinary Farm is one that Uncle Gideon will die to defend... and which some people seem willing to kill for.

REVIEW: So, two modern kids from a broken home visit an obscure relative and discover magical wonders and powerful enemies. I knew this wasn't a particularly original story when I bought it, but I had reasonably high hopes. After all, Tad Williams wrote one of my favorite fantasy epics (the Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn trilogy), and even when he misses he usually has a few nice ideas rolling around somewhere. What, then, went wrong here? Where to begin...
Even the most overdone, trite storyline can be made good (or at least tolerable) with a likable character to follow around. Try as I might - and I did indeed try - I couldn't find a single one here. Lucinda and Tyler are not only self-centered and annoying but remarkably dense, and remain so even as clue after clue drops onto their heads like the leavings of a flying monkey. Children this stupid should not be allowed to have magical adventures. If these two short-sighted, undereducated twits are what the American public school system is churning out these days, then this country is in even bigger trouble than Ordinary Farm is. They talk and think with forced slang and pop culture references that feel more like a grown-up trying to talk "cool" than something a real modern kid would come up with. The other characters feel like stereotyped cardboard cutouts, whose secrets were pretty easy to guess from early on (for the reader, if not our dimwitted starring duo.) The farm girls all hide in the kitchen while the men do all the real work... and, yes, last I checked, this is the 21st century; even if their origins explain some of the sexism, it felt unduly irritating that the only remotely strong lady on Ordinary Farm was essentially a wicked witch. The farm proves a far less fascinating place to explore than other hidden wonderlands, and its "secret" - the only part of the entire book with any shred of interest or originality - is only glimpsed once or twice, and then through the exceedingly dim and clouded lenses of Tyler's and Lucinda's eyes. The rest of the story wanders beyond the point of tedium through the Jenkins kids' explorations of the farm, introductions with farmhands and animals, and other entirely pointless meanderings which only rarely advance the plot.  Oh, and the titular dragons?  They aren't in it nearly enough to justify being part of the title.
The ending really killed it. Major plot arcs are left up in the air because Williams and Beale intend to write a sequel, or more likely a series. Well, if they do - and, unless Williams' name alone is magic enough to make it happen, I have serious doubts about whether this turkey of a tale generated sufficient sales to justify sequels - they'll have one less reader to worry about. All I could think about, as I read this book, was how Brandon Mull's Fablehaven did the same thing, only better... and how I really should've spent my money on the second Fablehaven book instead of this one.  Dang it...